Are You Guilty Of Yelling At Your Child?

If you are yelling at your child too much, you are likely to be in deep trouble. You are creating an environment that may pose a serious threat not only to your child but yourself in the future.

In this topic, I’ll take about the reasons we yell at our children, why we should not be doing it and the methods to overcome this before the situation turns into a point of no return.

Why does a parent yell at a child?

If you want me to be more specific, I’ll ask this:

Why do you yell?

Like most people, we do not yell for no apparent reason. If you do yell for no reason, then I suggest you better go seek psychiatric help. For most common folks, it is usually due to anger or frustration.

When it comes to getting our child to keep quiet, or even to listen to us, we tend to raise our voice subconsciously. Truth is, yelling at our child will not make the situation better.

It is not like your child will listen to you after you yell at him. Sure, he will keep quiet for a while but you will not be able to send the message across through yelling. What your child is feeling is fear and nothing about his actions and consequences.

What are the effects of yelling at a child too much?

He will not be able to understand the result of his actions.
Disciplining your child will be harder.
You will need to yell louder as time progresses to get your child to obey.
Your child will stop listening to you at one point.
You are creating a rebellious character in your child.
Your child starts to behave aggressively at the age of 4 to 5.
It causes your child to have low self-esteem and anxiety.
Your child is more susceptible to bullying in future.
Becomes fearful and struggles to develop relationships.
An emotionally troubled child has poor concentration.

How do I know I am yelling too much at my child?

Here are a few pointers that tell you that you have been yelling too much:

You have to yell each time to get the message across to your child.
If you have more than one child, your children will start yelling at each other too.
Your child talks back at you.
Your child yells at you too.
You are unable to create a proper conversation with your child.
The conversation turns into heated arguments easily.
Your child is more influenced by his peers rather than you.

How to get my child to stop yelling at me?

Ever heard of the phrase “monkey see, monkey do”? That’s right. Your child is learning from you.

Being parents, it is our utmost responsibility to keep our children safe. The second one is learning how to control our emotions.

If you tend to lash out at issues easily, shouts and tends to deal with matters with a loud voice, who do you think will see the most of it? Yes, your child. If daddy or mummy is yelling all the time, your child will perceive this as a normal state of affairs.

And once your child grows older, he will learn to yell too. For him, it is normal to yell because his parents do it too.

So how do we stop that from happening? Stop yourself from yelling. Let’s talk about it in the next section.

How to stop me from yelling at my child?

In cold hard reality, not to yell is almost impossible. We are a human being, filled with emotions and stresses of life. However, there are ways to minimise the yelling:

Control your emotions

Yes, we all get angry. You can be the most patient parent in the whole wide world, but facing anger is inevitable at times. However, it is your own responsibility to keep your emotions in check.

When you get angry, don’t lash it out at your child. Take it out personally. If you find it difficult to control your own emotions, you may want to consider seeking a counsellor or a psychologist to help you out. It benefits both parties, you and your child.

Make a commitment

Commitment is a big word. And to be committed and stay true to your word, you have to declare it.

To who? Your child of course! And also your family members. In return, you will try your best to uphold your commitment and not let anger overwrite your emotions.

Don’t pile it up

Have you ever been in a situation in which you thought, “I’ll just bring it up another day” when you are in a conflict? Don’t do that. Sort out your dissatisfaction before the sun sets.

Do not wait until it reaches boiling point. If it happens, hell will break loose and you will lose your temper. Your poor child, unfortunately, will be in the line of fire.

Turn away from anger

Like I said, we all get angry. However, always remember to tell yourself this: Turn away!

You may not be able to sort out this issue with your child at that very moment when you are angry, as things will just escalate even further. Why not just walk away and cool your head off?

Leave the scene and breathe in some fresh air. No space to run to? The toilet is your best friend. Take a dump and wash your face before you set things right with your child.

Once the situation is calm, re-plan your approach and speak to your child about it.

Learn to accept

Children will always be children. They will test your patience, until the very end. When your child gets upset, he will retaliate. This is normal as your child is growing and maturity takes some time to develop.

So do not scold your child. Understand that he is still growing and it is important for you to be there for him, not just yelling at the top of your voice.

Do I have anger management issues?

If you tend to get angry and yell more frequently, you may need help in controlling them. To identify the problem, here are a few symptoms that indicate that you may have anger issues:

Gets angry easily at minor issues.
Feeling guilty or regret after getting angry, repeatedly.
Feeling edgy, irritation and annoyed all the time.
You break things or drive recklessly.
You get into fights (verbally or physically).
Your family members tell you that you have anger issues.
You have co-existing chronic medical conditions such as hypertension, gastrointestinal upsets (constipation, bloatedness, abdominal aches, etc.) or anxiety.

If you have the symptoms stated above, you may want to consider seeking help, be it with a counsellor or a psychologist.

Which psychologist/psychology centre in Malaysia should I go to?

As far as I know, there is one psychologist in Klang Valley who is quite reputable. He was my teacher many years back and he is still actively practising. He has 30 over years of experience in applied psychology and was featured in radio talk shows many times. Here are his particulars.

Mr Paul K Jambunathan (picture from Star2.com)
Consultant Clinical Psychologist

Beacon Hospital
No. 1, Jalan 215, Section 51,
Off Jalan Templer 46050,
Petaling Jaya.

Clinic days: Tuesday and Thursday
Phone: +603-76207979 / +603-77872992 (Ext: 2901/2902)
You have to call up and schedule an appointment with him.

Alternatively, you may want to consider this psychological service too. Personally, I’ve never been to one of the centres before but based on the reviews, it has favourable ones. It is made up of a team of psychologists, a counsellor and a psychiatrist. I sincerely doubt you need to a psychiatrist just for anger management, unless you are yelling for no reason.

Serene Psychological Services
2D Level 2, Wisma Lifecare,
Jalan Kerinchi,
Bangsar South 59200,
Kuala Lumpur.

Operating hours: Daily from 9 am to 6 pm. (including Sundays)
Phone: +6018-7772242
You have to call and book an appointment too.

How to get your child to listen without yelling?

Instead of me telling you the reasons not to yell at your child throughout the entire article, let me provide you with the solution as well.

There are just too many long winded stories and answers online but let me take the liberty in putting them in simple language, at least that is how my brain works anyway.

Offer cooperation

Instead of instructing your child to do this and that, you should ask your child an open-ended question instead.

For example: “WEAR YOUR SHOES BEFORE YOU GO OUT!” vs. “What should you do before you go out?”

It helps to create a 2-way conversation between you and your child, which helps your child to understand the reason why he needs to wear his shoes before going out.

Learn about your child’s development

You can’t expect your child to do something that he is not capable of doing it yet, right? Yelling at him won’t change that.

If your child is in the phase of running around and not being able to sit still, then he won’t. You can shout at him 1000 times but it just won’t do. If you want to know more about this, you may want to read another article of ours: O.M.G! Why Can’t My Child Sit Still?

Avoid confrontation

Like it or not, your child will always like to test his powers, especially at you. He will scream, cry and yell at you to get what he wants.

If you give in, he will just do it again since he knows it works. If you yell, he will yell back to gain control. No one likes losing, even you.

When this happens, just tell your child with a firm voice that you will not talk to him unless he calms down. Walk away after that. As a result, your child will soon understand that yelling or screaming is not the right solution. Once your child is calm, reason with him. Not easy, when it comes to testing your patience but it is doable.

Speak eye to eye

No one likes to talk down upon, even your child. So get down to your child’s eye level when you speak to him.

Your gesture lets your child know there is space for communication. When there is an eye connection, the tone of the conversation changes too and it reassures your child that you understand his feelings too.

The take home points

We are human beings with emotions, it is okay to get angry and yell at times.
Do not yell excessively at your child.
There are a lot of consequences and setbacks from yelling at your child.
Your child will learn to yell like you.
Stay away from the conflict zone until everything calms down.
If you get angry easily, seek professional help.
Learn to reason and speak to your child without needing to yell.

References:

The Long-Lasting Effects of Yelling at Your Kids | Healthline
You Can Stop Yelling. Here’s Your 10 Step Plan | Aha! Parenting.com
Anger Management | Mayo Clinic
Discipline Without Screaming | Parents.com